Figuring out Miss Independent with Bolaji Gelax

Every guy desires to have an independent modern woman, the kind your mother may not appreciate. When you get one it’s surely celestial, it takes time to sink in and most times we mess it up trying to believe what we have.

An independent woman is unlike the traditional woman. She is the modern day feminist who believes in being responsible for herself. She does not wait to be saved by a prince charming. She would rather work for all that she needs than rely on the provision of a lover. An independent woman cannot be cowered into silence. She believes in the equality of gender and her works, duties and attitudes prove so. When she is in love, she is equally invested, especially in terms of finances, as her partner.

So today I am collaborating with a gorgeous blogger from Nigeria, Bolaji Gelax, to take on this predicament that may seem small but it has resulted in many losing out on preciousness.
Most societies believe that men are superior to women and this belief is reflected in relationships, too. This explains why a patriarchal mother might not be too happy with her son dating an independent woman. She, like most others, believes that an independent woman would turn her son into a weakling – a man who is completely docile to everything a woman wants and says.

But independent ladies have their perspective of life and relationship. They are a bit complicated, most especially when they start to really love you. It takes a lot to grow into a lady who is ‘complete’ in herself and it is at that stage you can say, she is independent. Being independent does not have anything to do with age. In fact, it is not a result of failed relationships or bad experiences with men; a 14-year-old girl can be as independent as a 35-year-old lady.

Independent ladies, most times, have not only material wealth but intellectual wealth as well. They are self-aware, self-confident, have a good measure of self-esteem and this makes them self-sufficient. They know exactly what (who) they want, how they want it and when they want it. They became who they are because they worked hard and as such they don’t believe they need any man to provide their needs.

Why do self-reliant ladies tend to do things without letting you know, like completely on their own even when they really value you as their lover? This most times comes off as intimidating

When in relationship, independent ladies like to compartmentalize their space. This does not mean that they are not emotional, but they like to have a voice of their own. When they are newly in a relationship, doing things without letting their partners know is a sign of the boundaries in their heads that are yet to be broken. They are letting you know that they can make informed decisions of their own without needing your opinion.

They take things really slowly

You will never know they need you because they never show it, even when it’s clear they want you, the need aspect is always out. It’s like some kind of crusade for them to let you start doing things for them, like help with basic finances once in a while
Truth is, it is hard for a lady who is self-sufficient to suddenly become ‘needy’ because she now has a man. Does that mean independent ladies have no needs? Of course not; it’s just not easy for someone who gets things by herself to start asking someone else for help. She would rather say what she needs in colors and signs but vocally, that’s just not the MO. I remember the relationship I had with a guy I was dating during the compulsory one year service of my country graduates are subjected to. I was getting monthly allowance from the federal government, I was getting stipends from the office I was assigned to my for primary assignment and I had my side business that was doing really well. I had no financial needs so to speak. But then, whenever my boyfriend and I were talking and I told him about my plans to visit the salon or something I needed to buy, we could still be on the phone and he would transfer funds to my account from his other phone. I would get genuinely angry. “I didn’t ask you for money!” “You know I can afford my own hair, right?” I would say to him.

Sometimes, I went as far as sending the money back to him. That went on for a little while until we finally had a sit-down conversation about it. That was when he told me he knew quite all right I could afford to pay my bills but he still liked giving me money because he was my boyfriend and he just wanted to be able to provide me with things even when I don’t think he should.

What made me change my mind was when he said he had me on his monthly budget even though I never asked, and that whenever I returned his money he got so angry he would give the money to any random person. It wasn’t easy for me but I wanted my relationship to work, I was tired of petty fights and so, I made an adjustment. You can only pay for this and that and nothing else. And we lived happily ever after –well, maybe not, but you get the point.

I believe this is one of the reasons independent girls like to take care of themselves. We don’t want anyone coming to tell us tomorrow they made us.
Also, when a lady has been single for a while and she has an autonomous background normally nurtured by her father, it is like it’s her sort who does not want you to come over or she coming, or a weekend away despite her having sentiments deep within.

Independent girls are made out of one of these two scenarios;

1. Girls who had very present fathers that told them how great they are, helped them boost their confidence and shared some men’s secrets with them. When a girl has a good relationship with her father and he happens to be a formidable force in his career field and or in marriage, she will most likely grow up into a very independent woman and as such, can’t and will never take bullshit from guys because she has a model in her father.

2. Girls with daddy issues. This category of girls is those born into abusive homes, raised by single parents, despise their father, etc. These kinda girls grew up hearing what and what they should do (or not do) not to taken for granted by their male counterparts. A girl raised under this condition may grow up to be too independent, not needing any man in her life only when she wants one and you can’t tell such a girl what to do or what not to do, because everything she grew up to know, stands up is totally against a man having an opinion where it concerns her.

But of course, there are exceptions to every rule.
In a relationship, we men kinda strip our inner selves and put out our deformities vulnerabilities, meanwhile, independent girls take ages to come through and this takes a toll on both parties and all the stakeholders who help to cover-up.

An independent lady is independent not only because she is able to handle her financial needs, but has also mastered her emotions, feelings and needs. When she enters a relationship, it would take a little bit more time it would take a regular girl to open up emotionally. She needs to be completely into you and be at a stage where she feels and understands that she can be emotionally vulnerable with her man and not get judged. She also wants some certainty that what she shares won’t be used against her before she dares peeling her inner self to you layer by layer. The time it takes varies, depending on the partner. What she definitely doesn’t want is to be coerced, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into sharing her emotions with you until she is ready. I, for one, take many months before I tell my partner I love him, not because I don’t have feelings for him, but I just like to wait until I’m sure we’ve passed the ‘new romance blues’ before I bare myself out

Independent ladies often come off as detached and kind of crazy because These detached ladies are kind of crazy, they persistently want things to be done their way even when they purely mean well for the romance, and this is where most of us get lost.

If her colleagues know she is independent they stand in the way and are kind of defensive of her and will take forever to trust you creating a wall in the affair

Now, going on dates and meetups with independent ladies is like attending job interviews as there There is always an endless interrogation on dates and meetups about how you feel and think about them, again and again. And that is because they want to be sure you have what they seek. Because for them, it is more about the man’s intellectual capacity, his plans, his goals and how all these fit into her plans and the picture of her ideal partner.
Interestingly, with all the display of strength, power and autonomy don’t be deceived; these Miss Independents are super terrified to be hurt, which is human, except that for them it’s on another level. They are actually more frightened of the whole love thing even when they have fallen in love with you, even after assuring them, because they know once they fully let down the guard around their heart, they lose control of what happens. This scares them shitless and makes them act on the defensive in relationships.

Don’t forget to check out the version the same topic I did with a blogger, journalist and photographer from Zimbabwe Nicole Kurebwaseka who blogs at Humanity Boss.

I still call out other ladies to taken on the issue

8 thoughts on “Figuring out Miss Independent with Bolaji Gelax

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